Loyalty, jealousy and the other parent

Children in blended families often feel pulled in different directions. Liking a stepparent can feel like betraying their own mum or dad. Watching you care for other children can feel like losing you.

What is going on

Loyalty conflicts are one of the most common and least visible pressures on children in stepfamilies. For your own children, whose mum is not around, a new partner can stir up complicated feelings about her absence. For your partner's children, who may still see their other parent, warmth towards you can feel disloyal. Jealousy between stepsiblings over attention is also very common.

How to spot it

• A child being warm with your partner one day and cold the next.

• Comments such as “My real mum would not do that.”

• Questions about their mum resurfacing after a new partner arrives.

• Jealousy when you help, praise or hug a stepchild.

• A child becoming upset before or after visits to their other household.

What to do

• Tell your child directly that they do not have to choose, and that nobody is replacing their mum.

• Never criticise the other parent in front of any child, including your partner's ex.

• Let children decide what to call a stepparent. A first name is usually the safest start.

• When questions about their mum come up, answer honestly and at their level, and let them know feelings about her are welcome.

• Notice jealousy without shaming it: “It looks like you wanted my attention just then.” Then make time for them.

• Keep your affection for your own child visible. They need to see they have not been replaced.

Your role as dad

Your children may already have lost one parent from daily life. A new family can reopen that loss even when it is a happy change. Give them space to feel sad and happy at the same time.

When to get extra help

If a child's grief or anger about their mum becomes overwhelming, or if loyalty conflicts are causing lasting distress, a counsellor or bereavement service can help. Speak to your doctor or your child's school for local options.

This post offers general guidance and signposting, not professional advice. If you are worried about your child or your family, speak to a health professional or a family support service.