Ages 2 to 3: “Me do it!” Independence and big tantrums

The twos have a reputation, and it is partly deserved. Your child wants to do everything themselves, right now, and the gap between what they want and what they can do is where tantrums live.

What is going on at this stage

Your child's drive for independence is running ahead of their skills and their self control. Language is growing fast, but not fast enough to explain everything they feel. The part of the brain that manages impulses is still very immature, so a tantrum is not manipulation. It is a nervous system that is overloaded.

How to spot it

• Saying “no” to almost everything.

• Meltdowns over small things, such as the wrong colour cup or a broken biscuit.

• Insisting on doing things alone, then collapsing in frustration.

• Testing a rule while watching your face to see what happens.

• Signs of toilet readiness: staying dry for longer, telling you when they are wet, or showing interest in the toilet.

What to do

• Offer two choices you are happy with: “Red coat or blue coat?” It gives them control without giving up yours.

• Keep a few clear rules and hold them calmly every time. Consistency matters more than strictness.

• During a tantrum, stay close, keep them safe and say little. Do not negotiate mid meltdown. Reconnect with a cuddle once it passes.

• Praise the specific thing you want to see again: “You waited so well for your turn.”

• Start toilet training when you see the signs, not by a date on the calendar.

• Keep screen time low. The World Health Organization advises no more than one hour a day for two to four year olds, and less is better.

Going it alone

A public tantrum is hard when there is nobody to tag team with. Plan outings around naps and snacks, keep a small emergency kit of food and a favourite toy, and remember that anyone judging you in the queue does not matter. Getting out of the house with a two year old on your own is an achievement.

When to get extra help

Talk to your doctor or child health service if your child is not starting to put words together, if tantrums are very frequent or very long, or if your child often hurts themselves or others.

This post offers general guidance and signposting, not professional advice. If you are worried about your child, trust your instincts and speak to a health professional.