Blended families: getting ready before you move in together

Bringing two families under one roof is one of the biggest changes a child can go through. The adults usually feel excited. The children often feel something closer to uncertainty. The groundwork you lay before moving in makes everything after it easier.

What is going on

For you and your partner, a blended family is a new beginning. For the children, it can feel like a loss: less time alone with you, a new adult in charge, new children in their space and routines that are about to change. Children also move at different speeds from adults, and from each other. Stepfamily specialist Patricia Papernow describes how adults and children in stepfamilies often start from very different places, and how becoming a family takes time rather than happening on moving day.

How to spot it

• Your child going quiet, clingy or unusually difficult when your partner is around.

• Questions such as “Will I still have my own room?” or “Do I have to call them Dad?”

• One child embracing the change while another resists it.

• Older children saying they do not care, while their behaviour says otherwise.

• Tension between children who have only met a few times.

What to do

• Tell your own child first, on their own, before any joint announcement.

• Build up shared time gradually: short outings on neutral ground before long weekends at home.

• Agree with your partner the non negotiables, such as safety, respect and bedtimes, before you move in.

• Plan the space together so every child has somewhere that is theirs, even if it is only a shelf or a drawer.

• Keep some one to one time with your own child that stays protected after the move.

• Do not ask children to love each other. Ask them to be respectful and kind, and let the rest grow.

Your role as dad

Your child has had you to themselves, perhaps for years. However positive the change, they may feel they are losing their place. Say clearly and often that nothing changes how you feel about them, and back it up with time together.

When to get extra help

Consider a family support service or counsellor if your child is very distressed about the move, if conflict between the adults is building before you have even moved in, or if a child refuses all contact with the new family.

This post offers general guidance and signposting, not professional advice. If you are worried about your child or your family, speak to a health professional or a family support service.