Weekend Dads: coparenting with your children's mum

Weekend Dads series: for dads whose children live mainly with their mum and spend weekends or part of the week with you. If you are raising your children full time, see our Stage by Stage guides.

Whatever happened between you and your children's mum, you are still raising the same children. How the two of you communicate will shape their childhood more than almost anything else you do on your weekends.

What is going on

Separation does not end the parenting relationship; it changes it. Children cope best when they can love both parents freely and do not have to carry messages, keep secrets or pick sides. A review of the research by the UK's Early Intervention Foundation found that frequent, intense and poorly resolved conflict between parents harms children's wellbeing, whether their parents are together or apart. You cannot control how she behaves, but you can control your side of it.

How it shows up

• Arguments at handover or over text that the children can see or hear.

• Your child passing messages between homes: “Mum says you have to…”

• Your child going quiet about one home when they are in the other.

• Plans changing at short notice and tension building around it.

• You feeling shut out of decisions about school, health or activities.

What to do

• Treat it like a business relationship with a shared goal: the children. Keep messages short, polite and about practical arrangements.

• Use one channel, such as a shared calendar or coparenting app, so plans are clear and nothing relies on the children.

• Never ask your child to pass on messages or report back about the other home.

• Speak positively, or at least neutrally, about their mum in front of them. They are half her.

• Before you reply to a message that annoys you, wait an hour. Then ask: will this reply help my children?

• Agree the big things together where you can, such as school, health and holidays, even if day to day rules differ.

Making your time count

Your children notice how you talk about their mum more than you think. A calm “I will sort that out with Mum” tells them the adults are handling it, and that they are free to just be children with you.

When to get extra help

If communication has broken down, family mediation can help you agree arrangements without going to court. If there are concerns about safety, abuse or your children's welfare, get legal advice and contact the relevant services in your country straight away.

This post offers general guidance and signposting, not professional or legal advice. If you are worried about your child's safety or wellbeing, speak to a health professional, and seek legal advice for questions about contact arrangements.